I was brave today.
My biggest fear as a parent is my kids dying.
Next biggest is my kids dying by drowning. So many articles I’ve read about “dry drowning” or secondary drowning, accidental drownings that I didn’t even give my kids a bath for 8 years unless necessary. That was my husband’s job: he did baths and he played in the pool. I just didn’t want to. And since I had the help I passed on that task.
Now we are apart. And I have to do it. We have been living in an apartment complex that has two outdoor pools. We hadn’t gone yet this year. I’ve gotten through the bathing now that they are older. It was time to not lose the whole summer without swimming.
Today I had to take them to the pool and with an infant. IT WAS SO HARD!!!
I left my phone in the apartment so I couldn’t get distracted. I brought a book in dreaming of cracking the pages but of course never opened. I watched my swimmer daredevil swim around the pool being decently safe but coming over to me and burping several times from how much pool water was swallowed.
My non-swimmer; thank God for puddle jumpers. The skill level is good and adventuresome is tame but there.
The infant and I stayed under the umbrella and set up the towel so I had a place to put the baby if I had to jump in and rescue one of the other two.
Every five min I was switching and fixing the snorkel my non swimmer was trying to master using it for the first time. I watched tricks and flips in between.
While watching them, I watched the crowd coming in. Ladies in bikinis- comparing my body to theirs.
I’m in my mid thirties and I’m still so uncomfortable in how I look. I chastise myself for this. I’m four months postpartum with my third child and back to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s good. But it’s still higher than my lowest. And at my lowest there was no one asking me out, except my husband. I figured I’d better take his offer since it was the only one I’d had and I was already 25 at the time.
I’m not stuck on numbers, but I don’t feel well anymore. I have been healing my thyroid and adrenals with a practitioner nearby. I am already feeling better and know that health is around the corner.
I kept thinking about my now ex husband objectifying these women. I’m supposed to be all 2019 new feminist that women can wear what they want and it’s up to the viewer on how they are viewed to control themselves. And for the most part I agree.
What I realize is what that means; is my ex is never taking them to the pool again. I will always have to do this task which is so hard. That family time at the pool will never happen again because I don’t feel safe. He is a recovering sex addict; I will always be wondering what he’s thinking about everyone else at the pool. Because no matter whether the goal is swimming or exposure; they look sexy in their suits and it’s a lot of bare skin, cleavage and curves.
I should be glorifying this body that grew and birthed three amazing children. I can in my head. But in my heart all I can think is how ugly and undesirable I am.
My daughter had an unintended backhanded compliment that she meant so dearly to say how much she loved me. “Even if you’re not the prettiest mommy, I can never love someone as much as I love you or my family.” She was crying she was so serious.
But thanks, yah I know, not the prettiest.
I kept myself together by looking at my kids every time I started to look and compare myself. I held it together for an hour. Thankfully the baby needed a change and to sleep as I was ready to lose it. The ball of feelings starting to rise up in me, ready to become sobs; it was time to go. I promised them an hour. And I did it. I did it scared and gave my kids what they needed. I was the mom I want to be. While working on the mom I am right now.